November 2003 Archives
When I see a headline like Army: RPG likely caused Black Hawk crash, I know that RPG doesn't mean Role Playing Game...
It's not even light outside yet, and the DJ on KGSR wants people to call and tell him the names of the two groups on the Mayflower. These two groups were essentially fighting all the way across the Atlantic, and finally settled their differences with the Mayflower Compact. I vaguely recall the mention of a compact from my days in school, but I couldn't have told you any more than that. However, even I knew that some of the suggested answers were dead wrong:
- The Spanish and the English
- The Protestants and the Catholics
- The Puritans and the Quakers
- The Blacks and the Caucasians
- The Hatfields and the McCoys
I think people call the radio station before they hear the question and then feel like they have to say something. That last one was funny, though. The correct answer, for those like me who have no clue, is "the saved and the strangers." Strangers being, presumably, the ones with bad attitudes.
What I didn't tell you before I left for the potential ass-kicking in New Hampshire is that I have a Real Live Libertarian (RLL) living next door. His big red van has a big white sign on the side that says something about the Constitution.
So last week I received a package from the vegetarian shoe people (my shoes don't eat cows!) and FedEx chose to leave it with Mr. RLL. It probably turned out that way because he rarely leaves home; everyone else in my building works. I had only met him once, when I went to drop off his utility bill that had been mistakenly placed in my mailbox. When he opened the door during that encounter, all I could see in his apartment were stacks of file boxes up against all of the walls. Strange. Rarely leaves home + "collections" = ? You tell me.
I took my FedEx slip and ventured next door to retrieve my footwear.
The navigation on this site has taken a turn for the worse now that there are pages in addition to the blog, but I'll iron that out later.
Look on the right side - in the new "Menu" section there is an item called "Personal Ad Saga" which I know will keep several of you from being productive employees and/or students this week. Hell, it's keeping me from being a productive employee right now. Of course it's Sunday, so that's not such a bad thing.
Let me know if anything doesn't work, or if you have suggestions I should incorporate as I continue to change and add stuff, but let's all use our most sensitive and friendly voices for that feedback.
Thanks!
Polly Shulman writes, in a review of "Everything and More: A Compact History of Infinity" by David Foster Wallace (originally on Salon but received by me via Powell's Review-A-Day listserv):
The greatest thrill I remember from my girlhood -- better than my first kiss, first airplane flight, first taste of mango, first circuit around the ice rink without clinging to a grown-up's sleeve -- was the heart-lifting moment when I first understood Georg Cantor's Diagonal Proof of the nondenumerability of the real numbers.
Choke. Cough. No comment.
I retrieved my "in case of fire" box from my dad last weekend, and I am cleaning it out so I can send it back packed with all the data I would need to replace if my apartment burned down and took my computer and photo albums with it. CDs, negatives, photocopies of my credit cards and i.d., inventory for the renters' insurance people, etc.
Yes, I have a morbid fear of house fires. Yes, I have too much time on my hands. No, it didn't make me feel all that much better when K. and I discovered that The Dog would, in fact, bark loudly and persistently if a fire started in the house.
Any more questions? No? Good.
Included in this box, as I had hoped, was the backup of some data that I either accidentally or stupidly deleted - the text of the personal ads I posted online in two separate incidents (1998? and 2000) and the cascade of ridiculous and/or belligerent responses I received, as well as a selection of many enticing and well-crafted ads I saw while browsing during those episodes. So I'll be putting those back up soon, much to the delight of a couple key individuals who have been requesting this entertainment. I'm sure it's a flagrant violation of copyright, but if Way Too Personal can get away with it, then so can I.
In the meantime, I'd like to share with you some of my recent favorites from Yahoo Personals and other sources.
(But Princess, you may ask, why are you cruising the personal ads right now? Aren't you doing the single chick thing? Yes, I would answer, but do you have any idea how much of my brain energy had been devoted to dating and relationships for the past decade or more? If I let it all just sit idle, it's liable to get me in trouble with the first guy over 6'0" who has Winger playing on his car stereo at the stoplight.)
I saw the re-release of Alien last week, and I was a little startled at the level of propaganda the movie people felt I deserved as a result of spending $16 on tickets.
No, not the commercials. I'm resigned to that.
No, not the Foundation for a Better Life PSA where the kid who built the race car lets the kid in the wheelchair drive it because some things are more important. Even though it has a CHRISTIAN SONG ABOUT ANGELS in the background where apparently I'm the ONLY one who notices how CHRISTIAN it is. Did I mention it was religious in nature? (They're also the people who brought you the Whoopi Goldberg billboard that explained hard work is the solution for dyslexia. Y'know, they're just too lazy to read.)
I'm talking about the anti-piracy PSAs that are described in this New York Times editorial:
A set painter and a stuntman, respectively, they star in the first two in a series of public service announcements that seem to answer the question, "Who makes movies?" In the brief spots, the two men reflect on their unsung but unmistakable contributions to the art of moviemaking.
I was caught rather unprepared for this lecture from the proletariat, despite having a friend in LA who makes part of her living as a set painter.
My pique must have been startled right out of me about the third time the slimy alien jumped out of a wherever and chewed through someone, because I forgot to post about it as I had intended. But then the NYT piece catches my eye, and I decide to see more of what this new ad campaign is all about.
This is a powerful statement, but how persuasive will it be? For one thing, if stars and producers have less to lose, why is the Motion Picture Association, which represents Hollywood's owning class, putting its muscle and its money behind these spots...? (And why, by the way, are the studios, in search of savings on labor costs, giving more and more work to Mr. Goldstein's lower-paid counterparts in places like Vancouver and Prague?)
Funny how the author never gets back to the question of why the MPAA is funding anti-piracy ads that feature working people and sending their jobs away. The argument is even plainly made in one of the PSAs, quoted in the article, that when the industry suffers the rich guys won't get hurt, it will be the construction crew that loses their jobs.
Oh yes, I forgot. Individual acts are always more of a problem than systematic economic oppression. Just like one man bouncing a check is much more damaging to society than a pervasive pattern of overcharging people of color for mortgage loans.
OK, I'm still not convinced. The people who own the companies are making these ads, so what I actually come away with is that the MPAA doesn't want me to download movies because decreases in revenues will force the rich to fire the working-class people and keep whatever's left for themselves.
Am I wrong?
Harry Potter book sales have hit 250,000,000. The current population of the United States, according to the Census Bureau, is 292,615,786. Given that three or four people outside the U.S. have bought books, I'm not sure the saturation is that great on this product. Would Bill Gates stand for it if at least 42 million people in this country didn't use Windows?!
- Squash doesn't keep as long in the fridge as do brussels sprouts.
- I don't have quite enough tupperware to support the strategy of doing all the prep work for three cooking projects ahead of time.
- Corollary: my water bottle holds exactly 1 pound of cubed tofu.
- I hate raw carrots.
- So does The Dog.
you're working like crazy all day long on a massive project, and when you try to sing along to one of your favorite and most-memorized Cake songs it comes out "Sheeps go to heaven, boats go to hell."
According to the Austin-American Statesman, which I was browsing to kill time between meetings:
Clubs morph into support groups. Sharing what you like is ultimately more interesting than a catalogue of things that tick you off. Good friends know what tastes good when you're hungry.
I have no idea what to do with that...skip lunch, go out to dinner with my quilting group and ask someone to order for me, then share my feelings about what I like and ask for sympathy?
I apologize for making the New Hamster joke twice. I find it infinitely amusing, but I am aware that it is not actually that funny.
Just so you're all aware, B. and I completed the the New England Respelling Project in our 500 miles of driving the rental car around. Revised signs should be posted soon to reflect the new spellings, which reflect the actual pronunciations used by natives, and which should then decrease the disorientation experienced by non-natives when attempting to navigate.
Guide:
- Wooburn replaces Woburn
- Lole replaces Lowell
- Peabiddy replaces Peabody
- Meffid replaces Medford
- Glosster replaces Gloucester
- N'ampshah replaces New Hampshire (see, I was good that time)
- "Are you going to the Johnny's Foodmaster grocery store down the street?" replaces "y'gan dan Janny's?" because OTHERWISE IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU'RE SAYING YOU WACKY NEW ENGLANDERS!!!
Thank you for your attention to these matters.
OK, I'm back. :)
I got in and out of New Hamster without altercating with any Libertarians, and I even did some research for all of you while I was there. Since it's coming up on Thanksgiving, I figured we're all starting to think about holiday gift giving. So I collected some information, brought it back to the Lizard Labs for analysis, and we now proudly present:
The Official Flooded Lizard Kingdom Report on Gift Opportunities in the Delta SkyMall Catalog
You could buy a CD shredder for $149.95. While it would make a pointed suggestion to your oft-drunk, loud-hard-rock-listening neighbor about his choice of music, the lizards feel that's a little much to spend on someone whose name you probably don't know. But it's your choice.
You could buy an upside-down tomato garden for $69.95, and it apparently comes with up to 80 lbs of topsoil - since it says that the sand required to fill the base and keep it from toppling is not included, but it makes no such notation about the topsoil. Of course, there's that key phrase "up to." Maybe it's just two tablespoons. What a risk!
You could buy one of those dog translators for $119.95 and find out once and for all what your dog actually wants when she whines for hours at a time. Of course, if you knew, you might feel even guiltier about telling her to be quiet...
You could buy a waterproof CD player with a sleep timer for $199.95. Y'know, for all those times you need to fall asleep in the shower.
You could buy a wicker pet cage or catbox-disguiser for anywhere from $119 to $295. Unless your puppy is still in the chewing stage. Or hates wicker as much as I do.
You could buy the ButtKicker LFE for $249 and attach it to your favorite chair or couch, and then hang on as it infuses any home theater system with a powerful jolt of energy, bringing the audio soundtrack to life. It does this by shaking your chair. The ButtKicker Amplifier was designed and developed specifically for the ButtKicker LFE and can power up to four ButtKickers!!
You could travel in comfort and style while protecting your car interior by buying a car seat cover for $59.95 (bucket seats) or $89.95 (bench seat). The padded seat cushion and plush micro-velvet fabric add a touch of class and elegance to your vehicle, all of which is promptly canceled out by the hairy, drooling dog sitting on the seat.
You could buy a 4'5" statue of a stereotypical French waiter with a tray for $269. His sturdy tray is for all manner of party delights or to collect mail, display posies, etc. And if your collection of posies has ever gotten out of control, you understand what a godsend this could be.
You could buy the Relax 'N Nap Pillow for $59.95 and sleep like a baby! (The ultimate tummy sleepers!) Of course, sleeping like a baby on your tummy means an increased risk of dying in your sleep, so consider this one carefully.
You could buy the solid gold edition of The One Ring for $295, 'cause what's almost $300 against the chance to become EVIL?!
And last but not least, for the Libertarians:
You could buy the Cash Management Box for $24.95, since you don't trust banks. Oh wait, why do you trust U.S. currency?? Quick, find some chickens and barter them!!
Ahem.
This morning I found a small wooden elephant on top of my monitor. I have a suspicion as to which of my houseguests placed it there, but it was a little startling. All I put up there was a pinwheel, mardi gras beads, Darth Maul's head, a tiara, and my Invasion of the Monster Women toys.
Oh, and I'm back from New Hamster. I successfully avoided hostile contact with Libertarians while I was there, but I saw a Free State Project bumper sticker on a car in Austin while on my way to work yesterday! I have much to tell you about my trip through the bleak land known as New England, but right now I'm still catching up on laundry.
