My Ex-Husband's Boyfriend

My ex-husband would have gotten a lot more action in college if he liked boys as well as girls. So many boys wanted him. Sadly for them, he always maintained that he was "straight until proven otherwise"...that is to say, he wouldn't rule it out, but he was doubtful he would ever meet a man to whom he would be attracted sexually.

This year, my ex-husband threw a party near Valentine's Day to celebrate the new love of his life, and it's a man.

The new love of his life is Johnny Depp.

The news that my ex-husband has finally found a man to whom he is prepared to give himself would undoubtedly cause gnashing of teeth and rending of garments among men who have desired him in the past. This news would be so shocking that I would argue it might cause them to question whether the earth is going to continue on its current axis or spin off into space - so numerous were the men who would have slept with my ex-husband if given half a chance, and so resolutely (though politely) did he continue pronouncing his straightness.

All I have to say is, my ex-husband needs to go see Secret Window.

Then he will know the error of his Depp-loving ways, he can reclaim his previous sexual orientation, the world can rest comfortably on its axis, and the entertainment industry can revel in more ill-gotten gains.

[UPDATE: 9:12 p.m. My ex-husband wishes to point out that it was Pirates of the Caribbean and Once Upon a Time in Mexico that sold him. He didn't just wake up one afternoon and say "Hey, I want to sleep with Johnny Depp." Although who hasn't had that thought? Except for people who have tried to sit through Secret Window, that is.]

[UPDATE: 9:14 p.m. My ex-husband also wishes to point out that he never actually got around to throwing the party. But as far as I knew when I wrote the above, it had transpired. Isn't instant messaging wonderful? You can learn so much so quickly...]