Catching Up On Correspondence

Dear girl with the puppy at the Pecan Street Festival,
Yes, you're right, I was getting all up in your business. But no amount of eye-rolling from you changes the fact that your puppy was being slow because she was trying to DRINK OUT OF THE GUTTER BECAUSE SHE WAS THIRSTY! If this simple need is too difficult for you to meet, then you better not be having sex because no birth control is 100% effective and I PROMISE you that babies would be much more disruptive to your lifestyle.
Thanks,
The Princess

Dear man hanging his entire torso out the window of a red pickup truck driving north on Burnet Road,
Though I did not catch the exact wording of your suggestion, I feel fairly sure that I understood the gist. I regret to inform you that I am not available for any such activities this month, but please check back when I have no self-esteem. (Also, please know that no matter what my friend D. said, your behavior is all about power - I proffer as evidence that I have never been spoken to like that by any man who was stationary and within a five foot radius.)
Sincerely,
The Princess

Dear fireflies,
Thanks for moving back into my neighborhood. It's like tiny Christmas lights are flying around in everyone's front yards, and it's the closest f*&ing thing to magic that I've ever seen. Keep up the good work.
Love and kisses,
The Princess

Dear The Dog,
OK, new plan. I pledge to check out a lot of books from the library this year. I further pledge to return each one as I finish it so that you can walk with me to the library and I can throw it in the bookdrop. That way, I get more books, you get more walks, and everyone's happier. Sound good?
Devoted but slightly exasperated by your suddenly increased desire to smell everything in the entire neighborhood one leaf at a time,
The Princess