December 2004 Archives

From Marry An American:

Ladies and gentlemen, drop your borders. Now that George W. Bush has been officially elected, single, sexy, American liberals - already a threatened species - will be desperate to escape.

These lonely, afraid (did we mention really hot?) progressives will need a safe haven. You can help. Open your heart, and your home. Marry an American. Legions of Canadians have already pledged to sacrifice their singlehood to save our southern neighbours from four more years of cowboy conservatism.

Right now it looks like they're all full up on Americans who want to escape...

Yes, it's a real name of a real person.

He must hate his parents so much.

(This wasn't even out of my pile o' things to blog. I just happened to see Dr. Argy on a commercial while watching my tape of The Terror of Mechagodzilla.)

I had seen a brief email about sorryeverybody.com and apologiesaccepted.com, so when I saw this billboard:

...I connected it with those projects in my mind. But it's not that at all.

Instead, it says this:

Dear Everyone,

We are sorry. As Christians, we are instructed to love everyone unconditionally. We know there are many people who claim the name of Christ but don't show the love He instructed us to.

For every time we have judged you, we are sorry. For every time we have hated you, we are sorry. For any and every time you have experienced anything but unconditional love and respect as a beautiful creature of God, we are sorry.

We see the way you have been treated and it hurts us because we love and respect you. We offer no excuses, just our sincere apology.

-The Christians

Hmm. Not sure what to make of it. I'd rather get respect as a human being instead of being forced into someone else's conception that all humans are beautiful creatures of God, but that's a minor complaint.

(For those of you in Austin, this billboard is in the parking lot of the Kerbey Lane on Guadalupe, where the Marines' recruiting billboard used to get defaced on a regular basis.)

If it weren't for the Pennsylvania Attorney General's Office, The Dog could have gotten her MBA!

CNN: University that awarded MBA to cat sued

The Pennsylvania attorney general's office Monday sued an online university for allegedly selling bogus academic degrees -- including an MBA awarded to a cat.

[...]

Investigators paid $299 for a bachelor's degree for Colby Nolan -- a deputy attorney general's 6-year-old black cat -- claiming he had experience including baby-sitting and retail management.

The school, which offers no classes, allegedly determined Colby Nolan's resume entitled him to a master of business administration degree; a transcript listed the cat's course work and 3.5 grade-point average.

The term Sensitve New Age Player (SNAP) was introduced into the Flooded Lizard Kingdom's dictionary by the Marquis de Sod. SNAPs meet you, shower you with affection and attention for several weeks, and say everything you want to hear. You like them, and you believe that they like you back. However, they never show up emotionally. They have practiced lines, but no heart. They disappear after a short while, rarely to be heard from again.

In early 2004 I was positively beset by SNAPs. My good friend Jped suggested that I reword my online personal ads to discourage the pesky critters. I found his suggestion again during the first stage of the Great Email/RSS/Blog/Bookmark Cleanout, so I am sharing it with you.

"I'm really a great person, but DON'T WASTE MY FUCKING TIME ASSHOLE!". I realize it is a little subtle, but I trust the all caps address that shortcoming somewhat.

Or perhaps what is needed here is a little Confuscian ... er ... thinger.

Drench a plant for [only] 3 weeks, and you will have a homicidally angry (but still damned attractive!) plant around. Water the plant frequently but not overwhelmingly for a lifetime, and you will have a friend forever. If, you know, you like plants.

I trust this didn't help at all....my work here is done.

• traffic light dissidents beyond 88
• easternmost adagio
• middleman deportation phenomenology

They're a million times actual size! Collect them all!

So for the next few days I'm going to be posting all kinds of stuff that I emailed to myself so I would remember to blog it...no matter how old it is!

First item, which you may have missed on August 9th of this year: CNN: Explorers find world's deepest hole.

Wouldn't you know it? It's got LEECHES at the bottom!

That's why people should never go outside. There are very deep holes. And leeches.

[Update, January 8th - the CNN link died, here's a pdf version.]