Resolutions
When January rolled around this year, I was still working on my end of October resolutions to finish up all of those quilts. Sometime in February I was stuck somewhere with only a pen and paper to amuse myself, and the quilts were done, so I came up with a new list of resolutions.
I halfheartedly tried to make it a short list, because part of me knew that something was going wrong with my life. Part of me knew that feeling tired and angry and hopelessly stressed all the time was not sustainable, and that part of me realized that adding a bunch of tasks onto the top of that was not going to help. So I tried to make a short list, and then then shoved it in a file folder and went on about my business. Not my usual behavior with lists.
Earlier this month, the other half of me realized that just trying to work harder wasn't making me feel any better. C-Man challenged me to come up with a list of what sucks for me right now. It goes like this:
- I don't feel like I have any time.
- I spend most of that time doing chores.
- And yet the apartment is always messy.
- I'm always tired.
- I hardly ever sew.
- I hate all my shoes.
- I lost my watch.
- I don't have enough comfortable clothing.
- C-Man's preferred sleep/activity schedule is different than mine and I feel oppressed.
- I feel guilty because The Dog doesn't get enough exercise or playtime.
I usually approach resolutions as an opportunity to accomplish more. Send more birthday cards, exercise, walk The Dog, etc. But this year I noticed a huge disconnect between my draft resolutions and the list of things that suck.
I've already gotten a few items done off the resolutions list. I've switched my IRA to a company that offers socially responsible mutual funds and I've started to buy more organic food. Bully for me. Do those changes assuage my guilt for leading a high consumption (e.g. American) lifestyle and align my actions better with my values? Yes. Do they make me happier? Not really. They are value-adds, but they don't fix the underlying issues.
So I have recycled the original list and instead I am addressing the "suck" list.
I'm starting with the stuff that's easy to figure out. I have no idea how to resolve my perpetual wardrobe dilemma. I have no idea what to do with C-Man liking to sleep 4-5 hours longer than I do on weekend mornings, which knocks out my prime cleaning and bustling around time. When I try to be quiet and sit around reading or whatnot for 4-5 hours after I wake up, I am a zombie for the rest of the day. How to compromise? Don't know yet.
But I know how to feel more rested, so I'm back to sleeping on a set schedule. And it's no more difficult to walk The Dog for 15 minutes in the morning than to take her out 2 or 3 times in between shower and breakfast, etc., so I just started doing that one day and have kept it up. We walk further than we would in 2-3 short trips, she gets more outside time and exercise, I get a little exercise, all is well.
That gets at two of the "suck" items without putting more items on a checklist for me to churn through every day when I already feel like I don't have any time. Not more to do, just do it differently.
(And we are currently trying out a new dog in our home so The Dog will have some additional companionship, which I know adds more work in terms of training, walks,etc. But that is a price I am willing to pay - in addition to keeping up the morning walks - for getting right with The Dog and getting that guilt off my "suck" list.)
I'm not giving up my task orientation or my enjoyment of lists. That's who I am. I'm not going to be chilled-out-in-a-meadow girl this lifetime. But I'm going to get some sleep, and I'm going to mix it up a little so that every night isn't a parade of "must get done." Two weeks ago I took an entire week off, did not much more than go to work and make sure everyone got fed and we had clean dishes. It helped. I wanted it to help more than it did, because I always want instant gratification from my efforts to catch up on sleep, but it did help.
So that's where I am. In case anyone asks.
