Recently in Conversations Category

C-Man, pushing the door open into the kitchen: What the f*&K?!

Me, behind him: What?

C-Man: There's some kind of crazy twisted metal thing on the floor!

Me, peeking: That's the dough hook for the KitchenAid.

C-Man: How long are you going to be there?

The Princess: About two hours.

C-Man: That's not a lot of time for strippers and coke.

The Princess: You'll have to be efficient. Maybe just one stripper.

C-Man: Then what's the point?

C-Man: Did he quiet down again, or did I just fall asleep like a punk ass?

The Princess: Yes.

The Princess: Hey, Boy Detective, you ate that banana! Good job!

a moment later...

The Princess: You know, I'd like to live in a world where I was routinely congratulated for eating my dinner.

C-Man: Would you like to live in a world where you only had three teeth?

During a diaper change:

Boy Detective: DAD!! I'm Johnny Rotten, not Sid Vicious! We've TALKED ABOUT THIS.

Right before lunch:

Boy Detective: Grandma, get back in the kitchen! You need to stop standing around gabbing and focus on what you're doing!
Me: Boy Detective, that's not a very nice way to talk to your grandma, after all the love and care she shows you.
Boy Detective: Someone has to keep her in line!

During a meal:

C-Man: Boy Detective, I'll make you a deal. I'll stop wiping your face if you stop rubbing cereal in your eye.
Me: I think that's the best deal you're going to get, kiddo.
Boy Detective: I need a lawyer! Shit, my dad IS my lawyer! Conflict of interest!

Here are a few good ones:

• Stick with this one to the end, it will all come clear: Interlude: Selective Memory.
• Baby's First Bug.
• Overheard in the office.
• Boys and cars.
• Communication II.
• Flagophobia.
• Crystal is once again an idiot...but this time to a lesser degree.

Me: It's hard, because I don't want flowers, but there aren't very many things you can put a few of on there. I don't want flowers, I don't want stars, what's left?

C-Man: Kelp.

Me: What?

C-Man: Kelp.

Me: I don't know what a kelp looks like.

C-Man: Like an underwater grassy thing.

Me: Kelp isn't a thing. It's "some kelp."

C-Man: True.

Me: I don't want any mass nouns.

C-Man: Fine, tell her to put some kelps in there.

Me: C-Man. C-Man. C-Man. C-Man.

C-Man: Huh-what?

Me: It's 6 am and I need you to get up. I've only been asleep for 20 minutes since 3 am and Boy Detective just peed all over me.

C-Man: What's going on?

At which point I hit him with a lamp.

Just kidding.

The Princess: I'll tell you why BlogHer [the conference] is better than the park.

C-Man: OK.

The Princess: At BlogHer, if you meet someone that you think is interesting, but you've only been talking to them for two or three minutes, it is perfectly acceptable to ask what their blog is or if they have a card. Then each person may read or not read the other person's blog, or comment, or whatever. It is completely acceptable to essentially ask for someone's contact information with two minutes of meeting them, and then it's also easy to follow up or evade further contact as necessary.

C-Man: So what you're saying is, you don't know how to pick up women on the playground.

Sister: It's not a race to get to the biggest baby, you know.

Me: Yes it is, and WE WON!