Flooded Lizard Kingdom

t-HYPE in a post on Beliefs, Blackness, and Bollywood:

Being the statistics geek that I am, I periodically check the search terms that brought people to my blog. As usual I'm scrolling along through "trailer for dhoom 2," "hrithik's thumb," "rimi sen racist," when I stumble across "meaning of collard greens in hindi."

Check out her post for a few of her thoughts on the subject.

We have not been so lucky in the lizard kingdom, but there are a few keepers:

• dating online stupid in italy
• i'm sorry for hurting our love letters
• guess who's coming to dinner movie essay [fuck you, do your own homework!]
• long haired rockers that love bbws
• fariborz jahansoozan
• let me try to write a letter requesting information [feel free]
• preschool peter pumpkin eater flannel craft art project [not likely]
• shirtless darth maul figure
• vegan leather steering wheel
• austin sex quick fuck highland mall sex 2005 [putting the same word in twice gives you better search results, right?]
• seen so much porn
• do gnats bother monitor lizards [gnats bother everyone]
• little boys with long hair
• even large objects like planets across the universe instanteously spam

That last one is really depressing, actually.

You know the drill:

• good dammit
• makes me want to
• pronunciation of debridement
• next generation quilters
• lizard look alikes
• dishwaher no water burning smell
• what does ool stand for
• singer sewing maching bangalore
• kingdom of lowering
• husband's boyfriend
• take care of a virtual tadpole online

The latest selections from the internet searches that led to some page or another on this site...

• novelty litter container
• baby clothe shops for baptism in michigan children (I have nothing against this, but when have I ever blogged about it?)
• demanding mother in law made me her sissy slave
• what do you know about biological clock (I have one, but spending time with young children turns it off.)
• joel slemrod estate tax bartels
• interesting things about jesus christ lizard
• meth monsters chat rooms
• lizard tsunami
• subliminal messages: tori amos silent all these years
• lizard grrr (Yes, we are fierce!)
• fabio look alikes nebraska
• helping boys be girly

I love that last one, although as a not-very-girly girl I doubt I would be much help...

A few of the searches that have led to this site in the past few weeks... it just gets more and more confusing, doesn't it?

• female heavy smoker chat line
• poem old black cat
• hostels in tromso
• buy flooded cars from owners
• how donkeys bread
• why it is better for society to know the gender of the baby before boring?
• am i popular?
• no fatties -tony -patel -africa -durban -salesladies

Before I go, allow me to share with you three sentences:

People have arrived at my website in the last week by searching for "ungrateful ninja.com," "prig libertine," and "difference between diet of a vegitarian and a non vegetarian."

Anyone who has ever called me obsessive can fuck right off.

I love these lanterns very, very much.

Bye!

This is me procrastinating going to bed because I've been godawful cranky all day and now I'm afraid I won't sleep well and will be even crankier tomorrow. Which I will if I stay up much later, but C-Man is playing with the XBox and not fulfilling his responsibility to manage my behavior.

Here are my three favorite search phrases that have led people to this blog in recent months:

• jujitsu a woman's perspective
• fun fake online marriage certificate
• pictures of dreadlocks on children

I have none of these things! My perspective on jujitsu is "Ow!" and that's really more about my pain threshhold than about a woman's perspective.

Yes, I have neglected my blog in the last few months. I have also neglected my quilting, despite my clearing-up of old projects. I just can't seem to get in gear on creative projects right now. Right now for the last year. At least. I feel like I'm always busy, always short of time, and yet I'm rarely engaged in doing the things I like.

I'm going to take some baby steps on fixing that in the next week or so and see how it goes.

Currently, though, I am sick, and entertained by these two searches that led to my blog: "does lizards lose teeth often" and "selling toothpaste to a lizard." I'm stealing that idea.

Also, "wicked sexy websites," "wooly mammoth bedspread," and "sample speech my groceries bag" lead to me. Who'd have thought?

The only thing I can conclude from reviewing my search logs from all this time is that search engines are really, really bad.

• vin diesel is a gay scientologist
• brush my hair dance
• honda door hinges
• manucurists programs in chicago
• chocolate apple pie recipe [Granted, I often blog about things I hate.]
• michelangelo's david refrigerator magnets [Mine came from Italy, try there.]
• dogs can't talk
• hanna barbera heroines [are awesome.]
• lincoln nebraska
• whiskey whisky correct spelling [Like I would know.]
• buy a gom jabbar [Dude, it's not real!]
• how much did mattel spend to make barbie dvd movie [Does it matter?]
• boer goats
• how to recycle crystal meth [I salute your eco-consciousness, but...]
• 32 2345*3 234= 8
• lizard blog texas princess [Wait, you mean someone got here by searching for this blog? that's madness!]
• brain injury slogan
• yeti princess
• my other girlfriend has 18 charisma [I hope you found my rant on this and it shook some sense into you.]
• making the graduation ceremony atractive
• green corn ceremony jobs
• farscape subliminal messages
• feminist ethic hpv vaccine
• computer burning smell [It's always bad, I promise.]
• offspring's girlfriend lyrics [As above, I hope you found my rant on this and it shook some sense into you.]
• divorced parents voice mail messages
• personal non negotiables [I could do a whole blog on that topic.]
• i am half indian
• gargoyle slogans
• lizard stomp crush people
• invasion of gnats picture
• history of moviemaking in medford ma

Sometimes I just don't understand why anyone would ever be using Google for some of these things...

• gom jabbar pain
• blind lizard ninja girl
• kung fu and josh and bellingham
• nazi respected love everyone [suuuuure they did.]
• where lizards stay up late: the origins of the internet [yes! we invented the internet! we just share it with you humans because we're nice.]
• television as enlightenment
• free i hate you layouts
• upc barcode theft steal
• machine quilters not receiving credit [I bought a sewing machine for quilting on credit, does that count? oh wait, but that means i received credit...]
• vegetarians are dumb
• crystal meth pipe
• extreme chick fight
• commited relationship but dating online profile
• cd cover lifetime of romance be my love
• who said i think i can i think i can?
• ecard birthday geeky
• doritos commercial with monkey laughing
• kingdom no taxes
• what happen lizard jump in human being a right leg
• life cycle of mud puppy children
• box notecard mammoth
• elevator & mezzanine & zombie
• printer antagonistic

Cathy Young got perhaps the best bizarre Google search referral ever:

"Does crystal meth eat away at your leg bones?"

I have not been so lucky lately:

• humiliation men's waist down
• lizard in space
• crack pipe
• velociraptor microbes
• subterranean leeches
• to tip the hovering scale
• i am interested in knowing you
• god does not play dice with the universe%3b he plays an ineffable game of his own devising which might be compared from the perspective of any of the other players to being involved in an obscure and complex version of poker in a pitch dark room with blank cards for infinite stakes with a dealer who won't tell you the rules and who smiles all the time site: edu
• how he became your favourite relative
• euthanizing goldfish
• feel great babies everywhere

In the last couple of weeks, here are some of my favorite searches that led to this site. See the end of the post for a couple of mildly disturbing ones.

• why are there babies everywhere? [well...]
• glossy princess lip gloss
• doritos commercial anne richards [I have NEVER mentioned Doritos on this site.]
• kissing strangers wordpress
• clever kingdom austin texas [why yes, yes it is...]
• warning dont drink anything reading
• i am excellent graduation
• what's faster a lizard or a fish?
• vegetarian meat emotional distress eat consume negligence or negligent or mistakenly [do I feel a lawsuit coming on?]
• laugh at me i'am wearing
• rich kids cheyenne mountain [why yes, yes they are...]
• lizard grrr [that's actually our battle cry]
• vin diesel cider [ok, this is a new one]
• contributing member of society
• what's a chamfer [they must get the same spam email I do.]
• linens n things removed from mailing lists
• covered in bees -izzard [there is no covered in bees without eddie izzard, you freak!]
• she tied her boyfriend
• ex husband junk mail

Now here's the really interesting part:

• probably less than 1 in 175 gay couples want to adopt any children
• email gays raise children like gold fish and dog

Trying to figure out where that ridiculous email came from? Researching its veracity [hint: none]? What were they looking for?

Aside from the parade of searches for details about he who must not be named but who was in Chronicles of Riddick, including a search for photos of his mother, searches that led people to this site last week included:

• internal monologues
• lizard sphere x
• what is the kingdom of dog
• schizoid personality san francisco
• how to pronounce miscellany
• gnats laundry room [no, the gnats are in my apartment. the mosquitos are in the laundry room. why do you keep screwing this up?]
• copy protection steamboy [who would want to copy it?!]
• abercrombie and fitch scientologist shirts
• hippy girl dreadlocks personal web page
• west coast party
• squelchy
• my mommy eats lizards
• vegetarians are dumb
• greater blood sucker lizard
• gay velociraptor

Has anyone ever started a website because they were already getting the traffic for it?

Between September 7th and 13th, 3 people got to the Kingdom by searching for "vin diesel workout." People also got here searching for:

• vin diesel's eating habits
• vin diesel's women
• photo vin diesel's mom
• vin diesel orientation
• vin diesel's orientation

And this is WAY DOWN from my usual Vin Diesel related traffic, people. Usually it's about 20 people per week. It's insane. Write one post dissing Chronicles of Riddick and this is what you get.

My first million is obviously not going to come from the broken glass magnet like I thought. It's going to be made with a Vin Diesel fan site.

My other favorites from the week in question:

• dating stoners
• bwahaha lizard
• my computer won't power up
• lizard sphere
• army for teenagers
• i hate you because
• gnats apartment
• nigerian internet romance profile blacklist
• searches that led to me

Posting for the next while is likely to be a parade of frivolity like this, I warn you.

Last week, people got here by searching for...

• gojira
• covered in bees
• white rainbow sonali kulkarni
• pronouncing tsutsui
• can vegans eat marshmallows
• comeback lines for women
• whining noise when ac is turned on
• i have stupid vision
• vin diesel's workout schedule
• the purpose of the government
• eharmony is bullshit
• eharmony scientologist
• alchoholic cider cancer
• demon buffy friendly lizard
• photos of vin diesel's bare feet
• geeky seat cushion

Selected searches that led to lizardkingdom.org, from June 6th to June 12th:

• gojira
• macrame owl instructions
• someone kill me
• lizard wrapping paper
• how to make a flyer for housekeeping
• kingdom austin
• foundation for a better life propaganda
• how to make a felt design wall for quilting
• anti microbial peptide crocodile
• volvo joke
• summer associates sushi memo
• find johnny depp sheets and car seat covers
• figuring texas school tax rate
• dating with scientologist
• daily nexus lego
• pitbull puppy blue eyes black cheap
• hellhound clash of the titans

Google is not helping you if you want real information on these topics and you ended up here.

• my lizard kingdom [Note: You can have your own, that's fine with us.]
• outside voice
• steve martin french waiter
• pictures of the worlds freakiest people
• the saddest girl ever
• charcoal machine [A machine that makes charcoal? That runs on charcoal? That's made of charcoal? WHAT DO YOU WANT?]
• buddha statue skymall delta
• lizard with redhead [Well, OK, this one is pretty accurate.]
• crack pipe
• volvo joke
• decorative gutter spout
• why did they change wooburn to woburn [You will find no answers here to the strangeness of New England.]
• kindness and gentleness email
• squished lizard pillow

May 5th through May 11th, here's how some folks got here...or rather, to pages that used to be on this site but which are probably dead links now. :)

• kingdom of a hellbender
• graffiti saying princess
• what is internal monologues
• wooly mammoth birthday cake
• eggshell measurement cooking
• open court reading keeping the quilt visuals
• www.thingy com
• bananarama cool summer lyric
• christian dating courtship relationships romance [Ed. Note: Boy, they sure must have been disappointed.]
• charcoal machine
• dating and lowering standards
• the biggest geek
• atractive woman on the phone
• beethoven brandenburg
• schizoid personality awkward laughter
• pictures of flooded property
• perfect spambot
• doc martens short skirt
• venn diagram of dating
• online dating profiles that drove women crazy [Ed. Note: You mean, in a good way?]
• hot redhead chicks
• kingdom of evil
• the antidote crocodile aids
• lizard elected
• mother's day card from the dog
• cuddling on couch

What surprises me is how many of these things I've actually written about. Not the world's freakiest eyeballs, though.

• eddie izzard quote poked badger
• ethical consumption
• contributing member to society
• fear change
• internal monologues
• paganini the 6 violin concertos
• matt lauer betrayal
• jeanne d'arc lefty interview
• what is vin diesel's sexual orientation as of 2005?
• chanson de coyotes ugly
• card from the dog
• is it offputting to mention an ex on a first date
• types of street harassment
• tomb raider feminist film criticism
• cruising george michael
• feel great babies everywhere
• pictures of the worlds freakiest eyeballs
• garden lizards in hawaii what they need to stay alive as your pet lizards! lizards i tell you!
• socializing through sewing

I promise that these reports are not going to be the entirety of this blog from here on, but it gives me an excuse to try out the Textile formatting plugin that I installed last week.

From April 13th to April 19th, here are the best searches that led here:

• 67 year old woman who puts an ad in the personal column
• romance of the three kingdom in chinese
• mud puppy lizard
• lizard sunscreen found in michigan
• vin diesel's sexual orientation
• dielectric constant of canola
• how does the robin hood tax system decrease education at public schools?
• margaret atwood asparagus
• argue for and against women being appointed as partners in public accounting firms
• wasabi izzard fish
• got stupid vision
• onion's life cycle
• party darth maul head shave makeup
• when to plant okra in lousiana

• matt lauer shirtless
• street harassment
• optoutprescreen
• catholic boyfriend
• thunderbird don't run or won't run filters automatically [ed. note: I think it's important to specify that the behavior might be volitional, don't you?]
• all deadly diseases
• do fish think
• shopwise junk mail austin
• sociopath traits
• hellbender lizard
• basking lizard movie
• the paradox of real response to neo fiction sarah e worth
• antidote peptide testimony
• lizard fighting skills
• sexy red pants
• waterproof cd player ice chest
• pets flooded
• girl turns to lizard
• i can't believe its vegan
• what is snobbery
• 1960 ice cream packaging princesses
• eddie izzard venn diagram father

From Wed-16-Feb-2005 to Tue-22-Feb-2005, here are the most entertaining searches that led here:

• matt lauer shirtless
• eddie izzard quote
• lego girl
• seller briquette charcoal machine
• multiplayer dating
• dirty barefeet
• hell frozen overstreet sign
• funny zombie email
• hellbender lizard
• girls ultrashort haircuts
• analysis of margaret atwood asparagus
• french man who proofed venn diagram
• review relax 'n nap pillow
• evil princesses

...that led people to my site lately.

[Update, February 8, 7:19 pm: For those of you who don't know what this list means, it's a representation of what people have searched for lately that have led them to my blog. It does not mean that I broke up with C-Man or saw Rick Perry shirtless.]

• i broke up with my boyfriend
• texas prison overcrowding
• lizard running habits
• correctional corset houston
• rick perry shirtless
• presentation of equipment voice disguiser
• the biggest lizard in the world
• poems about not using vicodin because of your boyfriend
• dsm quilting
• what if a monitor lizard licks you
• le singe est sur la branche
• bagpipe sheet music andy renwick's ferret
• vivien leigh obviously your breath could kill a horse
• invasion of the monster women
• lizard monkey combined
• i'm glad that life isn't like a christmas song because if my friends and i were building a snowman and it suddenly came alive when we put a hat on it i'd probably freak and stab it to death with an icicle

From Wed-16-Feb-2005 to Tue-22-Feb-2005, here are the most entertaining searches that led here, sorted by the number of requests.

• keira knightley waist measurements
• new year's eve dresses
• texas write off sales tax
• world outside voice inside
• matt lauer shirtless
• lizard joke
• what is the biggest lizard?
• heavy metal and sociopath traits
• thing that make you wonder
• the biggest dogs ever
• emotions curiosity
• skymall upside down tomato
• johnny's foodmaster
• lizard eating habits
• god rocks
• funniest email of 2004
• argy md
• bouncing here and there and everywhere
• cake sheeps go to heaven lyrics
• blog had been zapped
• powerpoint presentation on serious untoward incidents
• college teams song for cell phone ringer
• fake degrees
• learner's permit nyc blogger
• kicking a dead horse picture
• squishy stuff for kids
• toe removal
• lizard poem
• life cycle of lizard and diagram
• soalmate test
• horoscope for tomorrow
• lego girl
• aol suspend service kids chat room
• relax 'n nap pillow