Recently in Love and Romance Category

Five years ago this month, I married someone amazing.

So that I could have conversations like this:

C-Man: Have you seen my awesome anti-skeleton strategy in Dark Souls?

The Princess: What is your awesome anti-skeleton strategy?

C-Man: I f--ing punch 'em.

The Princess: O...kay.

C-Man: I can tell you doubt the awesomeness of my strategy.

C-Man, you don't read this blog, but in case you ever do: I love you even more now.

Even with the skeleton punching thing.

This is what we said:

Officiant: C-Man, do you come here, of your own free will, not any alien mind control or untoward duress, with love in your heart and the intent to marry The Princess?

C-Man: I do.

Officiant: Princess, do you come here of your own free will with love in your heart and the intent to marry C-Man, and do you believe you will continue to love him even when he leaves cabinet doors open or piles books on the coffee table?

The Princess: I do.

Officiant: C-Man and The Princess, you have both confirmed your intent to marry. Now I am going to ask you to repeat after me your wedding vows to each other.

I C-Man, take you The Princess, to be my wife. To have and to hold, from this day forward, For Better, and for Worse, For Richer, and for Poorer, In Sickness, and In Health To love and to Cherish as long as we both shall Live. I also promise to help you check things off the list.

I Princess, take you C-Man, to be my husband. To have and to hold, from this day forward, For Better, and for Worse, For Richer, and for Poorer, In Sickness, and In Health, To love and to Cherish as long as we both shall Live. I also promise to do my best not to crush your inner anarchist.

Except we had C-Man's aunt who officiated use our real names. Otherwise I think it would have been confusing to some people.

C-Man, I would tell you how much I love you here, but you don't read my blog so you'd never see it!

The Princess: (Blah blah blah) "I'm Afraid of Americans" (blah blah) Trent Reznor (blah blah blah) David Bowie.

C-Man: That's David Bowie?

The Princess: Of course that's David Bowie. How did you not know that was David Bowie?

C-Man: I guess it does kind of sound like him.

The Princess (JOKING!): You probably think it was just David Bowie doing "Under Pressure."

C-Man (NOT JOKING!): Who else was it?

The Princess: QUEEN! DAVID BOWIE AND QUEEN!

C-Man: I thought I remembered something about that because of that Vanilla Ice lawsuit.

The Princess: AUUGGHHH!

He is good at remembering numbers.

He can tell you whether a box of cereal is more or less than it used to be, which completely eludes me unless the price has, like, quadrupled. Even I can tell that cereal should not be $12 per box.

He can also look at a metric ton of car listings on Craigslist, look up some blue book values, and within 15 minutes have developed a classification scheme in his head that allows him to look at any given car listing from that point forward and know instantly where it lies on the spectrum from fabulous deal to total ripoff.

If anything ever happens to this man, I will have to continue driving the same car for the rest of my life, so I hope I like the one we get this time.

Three years ago today, I woke up in a hotel room with the man I had married the day before.

Today, we're heading off for a different hotel room for the weekend, which will mostly be spent eating sushi and watching movies. And trying to figure out how to get a shoe on my cut-up foot, but that's minor.

I had never realized how well this photo showed our shoes. Purple velvet for me, black and red canvas for him. That still makes me smile.

And so does he.

The Princess: Hey honey, this mouse that I constantly drop on the floor isn't working right!

Item of Proof #1

A "conversation" overheard between C-Man (31) and Boy Detective (11 mos.):

C-Man: Which direction do you go?
Boy Detective: North. (pause) Dad, that's not north.
C-Man: Sorry. You approach a strange metal basin with a sponge, a fork, and a faucet. What do you do? (pause) Oh, you drop the shirt? OK, the shirt is on the ground. What do you do?

Yes, he's pretending they're in a text-based computer game circa the 1970s.

Item of Proof #2

The Japanese arcade cabinet that is currently immobilizing my guest room. You knew there was a trade-off made for me going to BlogHer, right?

Item of Proof #3

He is going to Dallas on Saturday for the World Cyber Games regional Virtua Fighter tournament. As an invited player. OK, an alternate. But still. What a geek.

I swear, none of this had gotten so out of hand when I met him.

Me: Would you still love me if my name was Peggy Sue?

C-Man: That's an excellent question.

Before I met C-Man, after I had broken up with That Guy I Lived With, I realized that I am bad at dating. Really bad. I am boy-crazy, and not in a cute way. Within five minutes of meeting a cute guy I would abandon all pretense of rational thought or minimum standards and stay up way too late every night and get all dramatic and generally act like an immature teenager even though I was 30. Then, as things disintegrated, I would NOT LET GO no matter how much the man's behavior and my own became increasingly unacceptable.

Honestly, it was getting annoying.

So I decided I needed to go with my strengths and organize some kind of list that would force me to more quickly eliminate potential suitors who were obviously not a fit for my lifestyle and preferences. I share it with you now for your edification/entertainment, with only minor modifications to protect privacy and remove boring parts. (I'm not even going to tell you whose privacy I'm protecting, that's how much I'm protecting it.)

You'll have to envision the bullets as checkboxes.

How to Avoid Abject Misery, Part I

Does the person you are seriously dating or thinking of seriously dating:

• Wash their hands after going to the bathroom?
• Have a car and apartment/house that is clean enough for you would feel comfortable living in every day for the rest of your life?
• Brush their teeth twice per day?
• Tolerate your negative emotions, such as fear, fatigue, sadness, and self-doubt?
• Show a strong tendency towards and high ability to delay gratification?
• Keep their promises?
• Actively manage money to meet personal goals and achieve financial security?
• Display an awareness of the basic premises of a liberal arts education, such as socialization, cultural differences, etc.?
• Believe in science rather than superstition on the important stuff?
• Follow a vegetarian path in part (at least) due to the ethical and moral arguments?
• Strive to make less of an impact on the planet and adjust consumer behavior towards that goal?
• Have well-developed hobbies?
• Have a career plan and the drive to accomplish career goals?
• Keep the dog on a leash?
• Respect your space when you're watching an important television show?

PLEASE NOTE THAT THESE ARE CHECKBOXES, NOT ESSAY QUESTIONS THAT ALLOW FOR PITIFUL EXCUSES GENERATED BY YOUR DESIRE TO HAVE A BABY AND A MORTGAGE.

If you have checked off yes to EVERY ONE of these items, you can go on to the next part.

LET US REPEAT THIS: THE ONLY CORRECT ANSWER TO EACH AND EVERY QUESTION IS YES.

How to Avoid Abject Misery, Part II

Does the person you are seriously dating or thinking of seriously dating:

• Burn incense or candles?
• Continuously wear clothing with holes or stains?
• Smoke or take drugs?
• Play music they know you hate when you're around?
• Keep and/or display photographs of you that you hate?
• Act physically intrusive or invasive?
• Depend completely on mood and whim to decide on behavior?
• Display evidence of an external locus of control?
• Reject counseling as a viable tool for personal growth?
• Treat strangers (store clerks, etc.) with a lack of respect?
• Embarrass you around family or friends?
• Have a lot of friends you find annoying, offensive, or impossible to relate to?
• Launch into angry or hostile outbursts often, and for little reason?
• Lie?
• Steal?

AGAIN PLEASE NOTE THAT THESE ARE NOT ESSAY QUESTIONS.

If you have checked off no to EVERY ONE of these items, you can go on to the next part.

LET US REPEAT THIS: THE ONLY CORRECT ANSWER TO EACH AND EVERY QUESTION IS NO.

THANK YOU FOR COMPLETING THIS FORM HONESTLY, since we assume that you would actually use it after you went to all the trouble of making it.

THE END

What you may be thinking at this point: "Wow, you're really a picky bitch."

Yes, yes I am. Which is why I needed to break up with unsuitable people sooner rather than later, to spare us both!