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C-Man: Facebook's whole site is a piece of sh&t.

The Princess: Why the fuck are you on Facebook? Do we need to get counseling?

He is good at remembering numbers.

He can tell you whether a box of cereal is more or less than it used to be, which completely eludes me unless the price has, like, quadrupled. Even I can tell that cereal should not be $12 per box.

He can also look at a metric ton of car listings on Craigslist, look up some blue book values, and within 15 minutes have developed a classification scheme in his head that allows him to look at any given car listing from that point forward and know instantly where it lies on the spectrum from fabulous deal to total ripoff.

If anything ever happens to this man, I will have to continue driving the same car for the rest of my life, so I hope I like the one we get this time.

Three years ago today, I woke up in a hotel room with the man I had married the day before.

Today, we're heading off for a different hotel room for the weekend, which will mostly be spent eating sushi and watching movies. And trying to figure out how to get a shoe on my cut-up foot, but that's minor.

I had never realized how well this photo showed our shoes. Purple velvet for me, black and red canvas for him. That still makes me smile.

And so does he.

The Princess: Hey honey, this mouse that I constantly drop on the floor isn't working right!

Item of Proof #1

A "conversation" overheard between C-Man (31) and Boy Detective (11 mos.):

C-Man: Which direction do you go?
Boy Detective: North. (pause) Dad, that's not north.
C-Man: Sorry. You approach a strange metal basin with a sponge, a fork, and a faucet. What do you do? (pause) Oh, you drop the shirt? OK, the shirt is on the ground. What do you do?

Yes, he's pretending they're in a text-based computer game circa the 1970s.

Item of Proof #2

The Japanese arcade cabinet that is currently immobilizing my guest room. You knew there was a trade-off made for me going to BlogHer, right?

Item of Proof #3

He is going to Dallas on Saturday for the World Cyber Games regional Virtua Fighter tournament. As an invited player. OK, an alternate. But still. What a geek.

I swear, none of this had gotten so out of hand when I met him.

Me: Would you still love me if my name was Peggy Sue?

C-Man: That's an excellent question.

Before I met C-Man, after I had broken up with That Guy I Lived With, I realized that I am bad at dating. Really bad. I am boy-crazy, and not in a cute way. Within five minutes of meeting a cute guy I would abandon all pretense of rational thought or minimum standards and stay up way too late every night and get all dramatic and generally act like an immature teenager even though I was 30. Then, as things disintegrated, I would NOT LET GO no matter how much the man's behavior and my own became increasingly unacceptable.

Honestly, it was getting annoying.

So I decided I needed to go with my strengths and organize some kind of list that would force me to more quickly eliminate potential suitors who were obviously not a fit for my lifestyle and preferences. I share it with you now for your edification/entertainment, with only minor modifications to protect privacy and remove boring parts. (I'm not even going to tell you whose privacy I'm protecting, that's how much I'm protecting it.)

You'll have to envision the bullets as checkboxes.

How to Avoid Abject Misery, Part I

Does the person you are seriously dating or thinking of seriously dating:

• Wash their hands after going to the bathroom?
• Have a car and apartment/house that is clean enough for you would feel comfortable living in every day for the rest of your life?
• Brush their teeth twice per day?
• Tolerate your negative emotions, such as fear, fatigue, sadness, and self-doubt?
• Show a strong tendency towards and high ability to delay gratification?
• Keep their promises?
• Actively manage money to meet personal goals and achieve financial security?
• Display an awareness of the basic premises of a liberal arts education, such as socialization, cultural differences, etc.?
• Believe in science rather than superstition on the important stuff?
• Follow a vegetarian path in part (at least) due to the ethical and moral arguments?
• Strive to make less of an impact on the planet and adjust consumer behavior towards that goal?
• Have well-developed hobbies?
• Have a career plan and the drive to accomplish career goals?
• Keep the dog on a leash?
• Respect your space when you're watching an important television show?

PLEASE NOTE THAT THESE ARE CHECKBOXES, NOT ESSAY QUESTIONS THAT ALLOW FOR PITIFUL EXCUSES GENERATED BY YOUR DESIRE TO HAVE A BABY AND A MORTGAGE.

If you have checked off yes to EVERY ONE of these items, you can go on to the next part.

LET US REPEAT THIS: THE ONLY CORRECT ANSWER TO EACH AND EVERY QUESTION IS YES.

How to Avoid Abject Misery, Part II

Does the person you are seriously dating or thinking of seriously dating:

• Burn incense or candles?
• Continuously wear clothing with holes or stains?
• Smoke or take drugs?
• Play music they know you hate when you're around?
• Keep and/or display photographs of you that you hate?
• Act physically intrusive or invasive?
• Depend completely on mood and whim to decide on behavior?
• Display evidence of an external locus of control?
• Reject counseling as a viable tool for personal growth?
• Treat strangers (store clerks, etc.) with a lack of respect?
• Embarrass you around family or friends?
• Have a lot of friends you find annoying, offensive, or impossible to relate to?
• Launch into angry or hostile outbursts often, and for little reason?
• Lie?
• Steal?

AGAIN PLEASE NOTE THAT THESE ARE NOT ESSAY QUESTIONS.

If you have checked off no to EVERY ONE of these items, you can go on to the next part.

LET US REPEAT THIS: THE ONLY CORRECT ANSWER TO EACH AND EVERY QUESTION IS NO.

THANK YOU FOR COMPLETING THIS FORM HONESTLY, since we assume that you would actually use it after you went to all the trouble of making it.

THE END

What you may be thinking at this point: "Wow, you're really a picky bitch."

Yes, yes I am. Which is why I needed to break up with unsuitable people sooner rather than later, to spare us both!

C-Man and I share a computer. Sometimes he leaves himself logged in to del.icio.us, which I don't discover until I'm trying to tag something for my own del.icio.us.

So sometimes I have a look around in his account.

Here's what my husband has tagged as "female" in his del.icio.us.

On my first New Year's Eve with C-Man, I went way overboard in the romance department. I'd only been dating him for two months. If it hadn't worked out, I would have been so embarrassed to have once again thrown myself at someone who I barely knew. Lucky me. We established several things which were to become tradition for our New Year's Eves: Italian for dinner, visit two Amy's Ice Cream locations in order to find the right flavors, take a picture in the photo booth, watch The Fifth Element, have mochi on New Year's Day.

Our second NYE together, we chased a dog down Burnet Road in our evening wear on the way to dinner. It was holding a big piece of pizza in its mouth and didn't want anything to do with us, but we didn't want it to get hit. When it took off into the neighborhood, we figured at least we'd driven it into safer territory. We did the dinner and the Amy's and the photo. All night, I was expecting a ring. So much so, that the only thing I could think during dinner was "where's my ring?" Ha, joke's on me, it was in the pocket of his jacket, which I had borrowed when I got cold in the restaurant. When he got down on one knee and proposed right after midnight, I'm damn lucky I said "yes please" and not "fine, whatever, now gimme that!" The next day, we did movie and mochi, so everything was good.

Our third NYE, last year, I was feeling mysteriously ill... gee, wonder what that was. We got some dinner at Central Market instead of going out, but we did make it to the two Amy's. We didn't dress up, and I was feeling bummed that the evening was going to be rather dull. Then the Amy's employees who shall remain nameless set a scoop of ice cream on fire and threw it across the street like a baseball during a lull in traffic. Problem solved. We finished up at a friend's house for a party. Movie and mochi on New Year's Day, check. Well done.

This year, we thought we would skip dinner out but take the baby with us to Amy's early on NYE. We sent C-Man's mom home. Not 45 minutes later, the baby fell asleep for the night. Dammit. I sure wasn't going to wake him up by hauling him around in the car and then be up past midnight trying to get him back to sleep. We had ice cream in the freezer, but it wasn't the same, and I went to bed at 8. At 11:45 I woke up and heard fireworks, but since I didn't know what time C-Man went to bed I didn't wake him up for a kiss. (Please see yesterday's post for the rest of my sleep experience that night. Then send pity.)

On New Year's Day, we did take the baby with us to one Amy's and did a photo booth picture, which turned out well. We went to BookPeople and bought him some books. We stopped at Whole Foods and picked up some mochi. Then it became obvious that neither C-Man nor his progeny were feeling all that well, so we came home and did virtually nothing for the rest of the day. I ended up trying to entertain the baby for quite a while for myself upstairs, alone, as C-Man tried to manage his pain. Then I picked up after the dogs in the yard. Whee! I'd like to say "In the end it was being together that mattered," but honestly I'm still disappointed.

I also think the disruption of a pattern is why I feel like 2008 hasn't really gotten going yet. I'm tempted to reschedule New Year's Day for this weekend and try again. The mochi is now thawed. The Fifth Element DVD is on the shelf. And I can always eat more ice cream.