Recently in Spambots and Search Terms Category

Cathy Young got perhaps the best bizarre Google search referral ever:

"Does crystal meth eat away at your leg bones?"

I have not been so lucky lately:

• humiliation men's waist down
• lizard in space
• crack pipe
• velociraptor microbes
• subterranean leeches
• to tip the hovering scale
• i am interested in knowing you
• god does not play dice with the universe%3b he plays an ineffable game of his own devising which might be compared from the perspective of any of the other players to being involved in an obscure and complex version of poker in a pitch dark room with blank cards for infinite stakes with a dealer who won't tell you the rules and who smiles all the time site: edu
• how he became your favourite relative
• euthanizing goldfish
• feel great babies everywhere

In the last couple of weeks, here are some of my favorite searches that led to this site. See the end of the post for a couple of mildly disturbing ones.

• why are there babies everywhere? [well...]
• glossy princess lip gloss
• doritos commercial anne richards [I have NEVER mentioned Doritos on this site.]
• kissing strangers wordpress
• clever kingdom austin texas [why yes, yes it is...]
• warning dont drink anything reading
• i am excellent graduation
• what's faster a lizard or a fish?
• vegetarian meat emotional distress eat consume negligence or negligent or mistakenly [do I feel a lawsuit coming on?]
• laugh at me i'am wearing
• rich kids cheyenne mountain [why yes, yes they are...]
• lizard grrr [that's actually our battle cry]
• vin diesel cider [ok, this is a new one]
• contributing member of society
• what's a chamfer [they must get the same spam email I do.]
• linens n things removed from mailing lists
• covered in bees -izzard [there is no covered in bees without eddie izzard, you freak!]
• she tied her boyfriend
• ex husband junk mail

Now here's the really interesting part:

• probably less than 1 in 175 gay couples want to adopt any children
• email gays raise children like gold fish and dog

Trying to figure out where that ridiculous email came from? Researching its veracity [hint: none]? What were they looking for?

I wrote about my efforts to reduce junk mail - now about my efforts to track spam.

Imitating a friend's husband, I have been using customized email addresses for everyone I do business with by email. For example, if I purchased from amazon (which I don't), I would use amazon@lizardkingdom.org as my email address. All of these addresses go straight into my inbox - it can come in handy to own your own domains. So it's all like regular email, except with a "fingerprint" I thought would allow me to figure out where all the spam comes from. Nasty companies who sell my name, j'accuse!

Surprise! I have received only one spam email traceable to a business I have a relationship with. Except one, from Playcentric. I no longer do business with them. But all the other spam I have received over the last year has been addressed to my normal email address. My suspicions about unauthorized email giveaways were unfounded.

This practice has come in helpful, though, in a way I hadn't anticipated.

I don't always check the unsubscription process before I sign up on an e-mail list. And I am often unpleasantly surprised to find that for many lists, there is no process. No instructions at the bottom of the emails. No contact person. No response to inquiries.

So I just block those addresses. Whether or not they remove it from the list when it starts bouncing, I don't care. The email no longer arrives.

I leave you with some spam subject lines from the past few weeks:

• present for Martinlizarraga [oh thank god, I didn't know what to get him! her? it? i'm so naming a dog that.]
• Don't tell anyone please schroeder pantomimic
• Re: Which clean at chassis neckwear ['cause the re: tricks me into thinking it's a response, see?]
• But find it fictionalisation faulty
• The spend go unhallowed [hallelujah]

Aside from the parade of searches for details about he who must not be named but who was in Chronicles of Riddick, including a search for photos of his mother, searches that led people to this site last week included:

• internal monologues
• lizard sphere x
• what is the kingdom of dog
• schizoid personality san francisco
• how to pronounce miscellany
• gnats laundry room [no, the gnats are in my apartment. the mosquitos are in the laundry room. why do you keep screwing this up?]
• copy protection steamboy [who would want to copy it?!]
• abercrombie and fitch scientologist shirts
• hippy girl dreadlocks personal web page
• west coast party
• squelchy
• my mommy eats lizards
• vegetarians are dumb
• greater blood sucker lizard
• gay velociraptor

Has anyone ever started a website because they were already getting the traffic for it?

Between September 7th and 13th, 3 people got to the Kingdom by searching for "vin diesel workout." People also got here searching for:

• vin diesel's eating habits
• vin diesel's women
• photo vin diesel's mom
• vin diesel orientation
• vin diesel's orientation

And this is WAY DOWN from my usual Vin Diesel related traffic, people. Usually it's about 20 people per week. It's insane. Write one post dissing Chronicles of Riddick and this is what you get.

My first million is obviously not going to come from the broken glass magnet like I thought. It's going to be made with a Vin Diesel fan site.

My other favorites from the week in question:

• dating stoners
• bwahaha lizard
• my computer won't power up
• lizard sphere
• army for teenagers
• i hate you because
• gnats apartment
• nigerian internet romance profile blacklist
• searches that led to me

Posting for the next while is likely to be a parade of frivolity like this, I warn you.

I say "OK! I'll knock that right off."

Shouldn't be too difficult, really.

Last week, people got here by searching for...

• gojira
• covered in bees
• white rainbow sonali kulkarni
• pronouncing tsutsui
• can vegans eat marshmallows
• comeback lines for women
• whining noise when ac is turned on
• i have stupid vision
• vin diesel's workout schedule
• the purpose of the government
• eharmony is bullshit
• eharmony scientologist
• alchoholic cider cancer
• demon buffy friendly lizard
• photos of vin diesel's bare feet
• geeky seat cushion

Actually, as far as I can tell, there's just one. It's in Tennessee. Perhaps you should use Google before sending me email!

[Update, around lunchtime: When people see this in RSS, can they see that this post is in the category Spambot Love? Otherwise, it might not make sense.]

[Update, around snack time: Updated the subject line to more clearly communicate.]

Selected searches that led to lizardkingdom.org, from June 6th to June 12th:

• gojira
• macrame owl instructions
• someone kill me
• lizard wrapping paper
• how to make a flyer for housekeeping
• kingdom austin
• foundation for a better life propaganda
• how to make a felt design wall for quilting
• anti microbial peptide crocodile
• volvo joke
• summer associates sushi memo
• find johnny depp sheets and car seat covers
• figuring texas school tax rate
• dating with scientologist
• daily nexus lego
• pitbull puppy blue eyes black cheap
• hellhound clash of the titans

Google is not helping you if you want real information on these topics and you ended up here.

• my lizard kingdom [Note: You can have your own, that's fine with us.]
• outside voice
• steve martin french waiter
• pictures of the worlds freakiest people
• the saddest girl ever
• charcoal machine [A machine that makes charcoal? That runs on charcoal? That's made of charcoal? WHAT DO YOU WANT?]
• buddha statue skymall delta
• lizard with redhead [Well, OK, this one is pretty accurate.]
• crack pipe
• volvo joke
• decorative gutter spout
• why did they change wooburn to woburn [You will find no answers here to the strangeness of New England.]
• kindness and gentleness email
• squished lizard pillow